Happy birthday, America. Today you are 244 years young, which in country years makes you only 4.

I remember when I was four. My favorite word was “poop”. I spoke too loudly and was still learning how to use my body. Sometimes my fist accidentally swung into my sister’s face. 

Are you still learning how to use your words, America?

When I was four, the universe revolved around me. With your recent petition to “put America first,” it appears that I could say the same thing about you. It’s all about you, isn’t it?

When you’re four, you can never have enough. More Barbies, more candy, more presents. More, more, more! Does that sound familiar, America?

It’s okay — you’re still learning. As they say, wisdom doesn’t come before age. But let’s look at Japan, whose been around for thousands of years. Look how happy Marie Kondo is! Less clutter, less stuff — just things that bring you joy.

America, you’re still full of box stores, billboard signs, plastic crap, and garbage food. None of which really brings you joy, does it? Although it does put more money in the pockets of a few.

Also, let’s look at France, another older but wiser country, whose citizens eat less, but with more butter and yumminess. Sure, you might have to take out a second mortgage to buy a pair of French shoes, but they’re made to last five generations.

You’re still a quantity over quality kind of country, ‘Merica. Much of your stuff ends up in the landfill. That’s okay — it’s a steep learning curve when you’re only four.

I wasn’t much of a listener when I was four, but I was creative and full of ideas. I even invented a computer! (It didn’t work, by the way). You are the innovative one now, America! The world is looking to you to save us all! You are the future!

I also suffered through nightmares when I was four. The world was a scary place! Do you have nightmares, America? What are your fears?

I know you consider yourself the land of the brave. I wonder if you have the courage to reject fear of the unknown and fear of the other. To choose love and compassion over fear. I think when I was four I hadn’t learned that lesson yet.

I know it seems like I’m throwing a lot on you right now. It’s a lot to remember, I know!

It’s okay if you’re feeling a bit defensive. Learning how to take critical criticism is an important part of developing a growth mindset.

I have faith that with time you will figure it out, America. In the meantime, happy birthday!

Now let’s blow some shit up.