Are You Parenting Small Children During a Pandemic, Or Are You Baba Yaga, the Ogress Who Lives In a Hut on Chicken Legs and Eats Her Victims?

1. It’s been a while since you visited the dentist.
2. Some might say you’ve “let yourself go.”
3. On a good day, you can engender the creation of a new life. On a bad day, your breasts swell like storm clouds. 
4. Your most important possessions are your stove, broom, and mop.
5. You are the keeper and releaser of children’s souls.
6. You prefer eating off the land and have recently taken up gardening. Only what you can grown, gather, or disembowel. 
7. You don’t know how much longer you can remain in forced hermitage with your small children before you end up eating them.
8. People turn away in horror when they see your nose in public.
9. You feed the whole world, but are yourself hungry.
10. You just discovered 4,000,000,000 new gray hairs.
11. You have no time for recipes. One-pot meals are where you’re at these days, preferably with bone broth.
12. Your keen sense of smell allows for you to detect children, propane leaks, and shenanigans.
13. The powers that be have imprisoned you with the beasts of your own making.
14. You don’t know how much longer these legs can hold up before they buckle under pressure.
15. You just want to be left alone.

Key:

Parenting small children during a pandemic: 1–15

Baba Yaga: 1–15

This piece was originally published on The Belladonna Comedy