Cheering parents watched as children tossed surgical masks into a fire outside the Idaho Capitol in Boise on Saturday as more than 100 people gathered to protest mask mandates as an affront to their civil liberties. — Washington Post, March 7, 2021

Citizens, we stand here today to demand that the government cease restricting our freedoms by forcing us to stop arbitrarily at stop signs. That is why I’m holding a “Burn the Stop Signs” rally here on the steps of our state capitol, despite the fact that authorities have made it very clear that open flames are not allowed on state capitol grounds.

Deaths by vehicular accidents in intersections are down, so I think that’s a pretty clear indication that it is now safe to resume driving through intersections without stopping. We need to establish a balanced government with well defined boundaries that does not force its citizens to half against their will at intersections. It’s annoying. What if I just don’t feel like stopping.

All of us, by nature, are free and equal, and have certain inalienable rights. It is the inalienable freedom of free will that makes this country so great. And yes, I know I said inalienable twice, and that was deliberate, because everyone here looks 1,000% white and inalien.

It is my free choice to decide when I wish to or don’t wish to stop. It is my free choice to call ketchup a vegetable, put dual chrome exhaust stacks in the bed of my truck, and listen to Nickelback.

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration says that installing stop signs in intersections will keep us safe by avoiding car wrecks. What is safe, exactly? I mean, are we ever safe? I could get hit by a weather laser right here on the steps of the State Capitol. No one knows when their time is going to come.

Not to mention that stop signs are unnatural. Did God wake up on the sixth day and say, “Gee, I forgot to grow a stop sign”?

And how do we know that that’s not just a hoax that the Dems are peddling to line the pockets of George Soros? How do we even know that their so-called “data” isn’t made up, and that Nickelback is actually from Canada?

But why stop at stop signs? I mean, if signs work so well, then why do I have to wear a seatbelt? Like Ben Franklin once said: “Those who give up liberty to pursue traffic safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.”

And while we’re at it, let’s burn Wrong Way signs, fire alarms, fire extinguishers, warnings on household cleaning products, and criminal background checks for educators. This is not about safety, people. This is about social conditioning. Honestly, sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference this country and Nazi Germany!

Americans want to get back to work, quickly, without making random stops in semi-busy neighborhoods. It’s time we let our leaders know that we won’t stand idly by while they destroy our freedom to experience fatal car accidents. Because my rights to be a selfish jerk is more important than others’ rights to live.

. . .

This post originally appeared on Belladonna Comedy

Calling all Lewis Carroll fans!

Last spring, the Idaho legislature made the news when several anti-mask lawmakers did away with all mask mandates, got COVID, then decided to recess for three weeks and return to their hometowns, bringing their COVID cooties with them.

I channeled my rage into satire as I always do, and wrote this ridiculous press release as nonsensical as the legislation itself. It was initially rejected by McSweeney’s, but Rejected Writers reached out and asked if they could publish it today. It’s not timely anymore, but still relevant.

Thanks for reading!

Fear Not the Jabberwocky that Hast Ran Rampant Throughout the Capitol Building and Is Likely Coming to Your Small Town

A COVID-19 outbreak in the Idaho Legislature has sidelined lawmakers for more than two weeks as they try to get infections under control… Top Republicans have repeatedly declined to implement basic public health measures such as a mask mandate or the requirement that members physically distance themselves from others. 

–NPR, March 19, 2021

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Boise, Idaho —

Callooh! Callay! Rejoice, o’ citizens of Idaho! With vorpal swords in hand, your lawmakers snicker-snacked all mandates requiring face coverings! Free your faces, o’ beamish citizens! Be oppressed no more with mimsy rules that only serve to gyre and gimble in the wabe! 

We freed our state’s Capitol from frumious face coverings—and by association, head leashes, burlap bags, and cages—although we may have burbled our best defense against the bastions of wild Jabberwockies now running rampant through our halls. We did not foresee that our eliminating mask mandates would make it difficult to capture and contain the wild beasts.

We’re also not sure how the infestation of Jubjub birds appeared. Or how by flaunting their frumious tail feathers they ended up breeding with the Jabberwocks, creating an even stronger, wilder, and hornier species of Jabberwocky. Fear not! We are sure that this problem we created will solve itself, as free markets solve all problems.  

Your lawmakers voted to recess for several weeks, which will allow for them to relocate the Jabberwocks before the creatures’ eyes of flame set the Capitol’s drapes on fire. The beasts with the claws that catch will be immediately transported to smaller towns with less medical infrastructure.

Remember to thank your manxome legislator for eliminating the mask requirement when they come galumphing through your town, Jabberwock in tow. You will recognize these slithy toves by their animals who are setting fire to everything. The horny beasts with the jaws that bite will likely not be wearing a leash, as Jabberwocks are creatures of God, and all beasts born on American soil are, by nature, free, equal, and beamish. Remember, it is this freedom that makes this country so frabjous.

Some mimsy Democratic leaders will say “beware of the Jabberwock”. Rubbish! Outgrabe! So what if it likes to reproduce and multiply quickly? Deaths from Jabberwockies have dropped in the past month, which clearly indicates that it is no longer necessary to keep them on a leash. 

A balanced government with brillig boundaries does not force its citizens to cover their faces against their will. It does not stick its uffish necks in places it does not belong, like community safety.

Oh slithy liberals, whiffling like such Borogoves! Do they not tire of their constant gyre and gimble? 

Our manxome lawmakers now have several weeks to go home, sit at their favorite Tumtum tree, and think about what to do with these freerange Jabberwocks. In the meantime, of course, they will be paid per diem rates to cover their normal session-related living expenses, and our press secretary will issue public statements as nonsensical as our legislation.

Let us rejoice today! Let us galumph! Callooh! Callay!

I wrote a funny piece in response to the mask burning rally in Boise, Idaho that occurred over the weekend. I am so grateful to the Belladonnas for once again publishing my piece and letting me kick it with the cool girls!

We Must Put An End to Government Overreach Which Is Why I’m Burning Down These Stop Signs

Thanks for reading!

New Humor Piece up at Little Old Lady Comedy

Happy 2021, er’ryone!

You have probably noticed that many schools are returning to in-person school this week. As a teacher, I have an “inside” view on the transition intel, and I can tell you this is a very messy, challenging, confusing, brain-breaking, and downright frightening experience for teachers and administrators. Teachers are NOT getting paid extra for all the additional hours they are putting in to figure out how to transition to in-person learning, not to mention the medical bills we are all incurring due to the stress.

Since the COVID pandemic, I have begun to write satire because it allows me to talk about difficult subjects in a palatable way. That is how this piece, inspired by our school district’s transition to in-person learning, was published yesterday at Little Old Lady Comedy.

THANK YOU to our teachers and administrators on the frontline, who are sacrificing the health and safety of themselves and their families in order to be with their students in-person. And thank YOU for reading!

Please enjoy my latest comedy piece, Lakeside Elementary Invites You Back To In-Person School!

The Alaska State Folk Festival was canceled this year, but weird is still alive. Wednesday, April 15, would normally mark the day that Collette Costa and her band the High Costa Livin’ would bring down the house on the Folk Fest main stage with back up dancers, Off the Hook Honeys, throwing down the moves.

Coronavirus tried but could not break our hearts this year, because we still got to do our set (albeit with social distancing restrictions and some sexy masks and gloves).

Here is some of the magic that you missed this year. And I got to mark being a Honey off my bucket list!